The Real Reason Silicon Valley Bank Failed

The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.“

I know that many of you are confused about exactly why the Silicon Valley Bank went bust. Well, you’ve come to the right place because this is a political commentary podcast, so the fact that I don’t understand this subject at all won’t stop me from explaining it to you.

The first thing you have to understand is that Democrats believe in socialism. Socialism is an economic system in which powerful people help the poor by taking money from the middle class and giving it to the rich so the rich will give the powerful people more power to help the poor by taking money from the middle class to give to the rich.

In the case of Silicon Valley Bank, the powerful Democrats needed more money to give to the rich to get more power to help the poor, so they printed worthless pieces of paper and called them “dollars” and gave them to the poor who passed them on to the rich in return for Hulu subscriptions and lawn chairs. The rich said, “Hooray! Now we have worthless dollar papers! We will put them in bonds and useless green nonsense businesses where they will magically turn into money.” They also donated millions to a Gay Pride organization, who used the millions to buy some rainbow-colored pencils, and a vacation for 12 in Thailand.

Then came inflation, which was “transitory,” which means permanent.

At this point, people panicked and there was a run on the bank like in the movie “It’s A Wonderful Life.” In fact, just like in “It’s A Wonderful Life,” the bank manager came out to the panicked people and said you can’t have your money, because your money is in that guy’s house, and your money is in this guy’s house, and your money is in another guy’s house because those three guys are crooks and stole all your money. Then the bank manager gave everyone a free rainbow pencil.

Acting quickly to reassure the public, President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden shuffled slowly to a podium with his eyes glazed and his mouth hanging open and made a slurred speech saying that everything would be all right because he would give the rich people back their money from taxes taken from the middle class because that’s socialism. Biden also explained that the bank failure was Donald Trump’s fault because Donald Trump was such a bad president that everything Biden touches turns to crap. Then Biden shuffled slowly out of the room before anyone could ask him any questions, because questions might spoil the reassuring effect of the slurred speech he made with his mouth hanging open.

The White House then issued a statement which said, [quote] “The president’s bailout of the Silicon Valley bank is not a bank bailout, and this is not a statement issued by the White House.” [unquote] The New York Times, a former newspaper, immediately hailed the statement as a brilliant piece of post-modern literature, and the White House celebrated by releasing a bright red balloon that carried a speaker over Pennsylvania Avenue repeatedly saying, “It’s all Trump’s fault,” in a very high-pitched voice because it was a helium balloon and the celebration had gotten out of hand.

On the positive side, the Silicon Valley Bank’s board of directors was very diverse. Some board members had given huge donations to Hillary Clinton, some to Barack Obama, and some to Nancy Pelosi. Unfortunately, none of them had any actual board experience, except one but that was with a Ouija Board, which did at least spell out the words, “You are about to get a big surprise. Your bank is out of money.”

Now, you may have heard many journalists say that bailing the bank out after it acted so stupidly could create a [quote-unquote] “moral hazard.” And you may have asked yourself “What’s a moral hazard and why don’t journalists’ heads burst into flame when they say the word moral — that would be both funny and appropriate?” Well, a moral hazard is when rich people do something stupid and lose their money and the government gives them your money so that the rich people dance around the room and say, “Hooray! Now we can do more stupid things forever and nothing bad will ever happen to us because there’s a moral hazard so we get everybody’s money.” So basically a moral hazard is pretty much the same thing as socialism.

Now that I’ve explained the banking crisis to you, you’re probably wondering: “Will this affect me personally or can I just go back to watching porn?” That depends. If it’s the kind of porn where you need an online subscription, you can’t go back to watching it because you have no money because, now, banks all around the world have started collapsing, because Donald Trump was such a bad president that Joe Biden has ruined everything.

But here’s a free rainbow pencil.

Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.