The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.“
President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden this week announced he was running for re-election, a declaration that sent a shiver of excitement through the small section on the lower right side of his face that hasn’t yet decayed into complete immobility. As all across this nation, thousands stood and cheered for the new baseball pitch clock which has really been a big improvement to the game, though the extra inning rules are kind of stupid, and what’s with those big bases like everyone’s in kindergarten or something, Biden made his announcement in a White House storage closet he had wandered into while looking for the restroom where he goes to feel safe. Addressing a stain on the wall that looked sort of like a sea of faces if all the faces were the color of mold, Biden said he wanted to get re-elected because he believes the battle for the soul of America is not yet complete. He was immediately endorsed by Satan who believes the same thing.
In a campaign video released so that the president would not have to speak long enough to lose his train of thought, images were shown of a flag being raised and the sun rising over peaceful small towns and alabaster cities and amber fields of grain so that several citizens immediately ran out and voted for Bud Light, because it’s hard to tell one pandering pseudo-patriotic video from another, and if you’re going to vote for someone who believes in cutting children’s penises off, at least you ought to get some crappy beer.
The announcer on the video says: “As the sun rises, we raise the flag because freedom and democracy and rainbows and cute little panda bears and other hollow words we hope will make you like us. But in today’s America, rainbows are under attack by an extreme panda-hating movement that seeks to ban books with pictures of naked men committing sodomy just because the books happen to be in an elementary school. These frowny-faced scary MAGA hat-niks want to take away the right to tear unborn babies limb from limb, a right which the Constitution guarantees to every woman even if he’s a man and only pretending to have a period because living in reality is hard and the gas there is so darn expensive. Joe Biden has made defending these make-believe freedoms the goal of his presidency, because obviously if the goal of his presidency was restoring the economy or lowering crime or winning wars he’d be screwed almost as badly as the American people. So if you care about freedom, vote for Joe Biden, or the FBI will raid your house.”
Biden says he will not repeat his previous campaign in which he hid in the cellar to get to the White House, and this time he will campaign from the White House and then hide in the cellar, because that’s where his imaginary friends live.
Biden’s announcement was immediately followed by a speech by Vice President Kamala Harris who said, “I think it’s very important for us at every moment in time and certainly this one to see the moment in time in which we exist and are present and to be able to contextualize it — to understand where we exist in the history and in the moment — as it relates not only to the past but the future.”
Hahaha. Sometimes I crack myself up with this nonsense. Oh wait, no, Kamala Harris actually said that word for word. Sorry, for a second there, I thought I was a comic genius or stoned or something.
Anyway, in a secret emergency meeting, Republicans reacted to the president’s announcement with fear and desperation saying, “This is terrible. We could actually beat this google-brained sucker and be forced to take responsibility for governing. President Biden’s job approval rating is at forty-one, and that’s people not percentage points. Where, oh where, will we ever find a candidate so divisive, chaotic, and ill-mannered that he can alienate enough of the independent voters so we can somehow manage to lose this election? We must search high and low for the one man in America who could even possibly get fewer votes than a nasty, corrupt, superannuated pol who barely knows where he is let alone how to pretend to run the country while unseen leftist radicals trash its founding principles from within. Wherever can he be, that hero who will save us from victory? Is he to the west, to the east? The north? The south? Help us find him, fellow Republicans. You’re our only hope.”
Republican leaders say they hope the upcoming election will not distract them from their business of accomplishing nothing and then ranting angrily on Fox News especially now that Tucker Carlson is gone and doing nothing then ranting on Fox News will be like doing nothing twice.
Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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