The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.“
Disneyland has assigned a mustachioed drag queen to play a fairy godmother at its princess dress shop for little girls — and Uganda has passed a law instituting the death penalty for homosexual child molesters — making it almost impossible to tell which one is a savage hellhole and which is the happiest place on earth. Politicians as far to the right as Ted Cruz and as far gone in dementia and venality as Joe Biden have condemned the Uganda law, though they admit Uganda is cheaper to get into than Disneyland and the lines are shorter.
The government of Uganda meanwhile is hoping to feature images of Disneyland in its tourism advertisements and is testing out different slogans, such as “Visit Beautiful Uganda. We may be oppressive and violent but at least we put homosexual child molesters to death,” or “Come to Uganda. It may be the armpit of the universe, but at least you won’t have to wait in line for two hours to have your children corrupted,” or “Why Not Vacation in Uganda? Sure, our laws are intolerant and Draconian, but at least we didn’t ruin “The Little Mermaid” with a crappy remake.” The Uganda Tourism Board is also hoping to sign a deal with the NFL so that at the end of the Super Bowl, the winning quarterback will announce to the crowd, “After this, I’m going to Uganda, because I sure as hell don’t want my kids anywhere near Disneyland.”
Disney Spokesman Pansy Groomer — Don’t blame me, that’s the guy’s name. Disney Spokesman Pansy Groomer condemned Uganda’s Tourism Campaign in a statement delivered to a 10-year-old boy in a Disneyland men’s room, saying, “Here at Disney, we remain deeply committed to using wholesome franchises created in the past by people with ten times our talent to lure families into a cesspit of sexual deviance and disorder so that their children can one day grow up to live in a world where demons chase them through pits of fire for all eternity. After all, that’s what our founder Walt Disney would have wanted, had he been an evil psychopath.”
Mr. Groomer also defended the company’s decision to cast black actress Halle Bailey as the formerly white Little Mermaid in the remake, saying he loved Halle’s performances in “Monster’s Ball” and “Euphoria.” When Mr. Groomer was told that those performances were by two entirely different black actresses, he was so humiliated he decided to commit suicide by moving to Uganda.
To be fair, Disney is not the only American company that has taken upon itself the nearly impossible task of making Uganda look good. Retail giant Target recently decided to celebrate Pride Month with a display of transgender children’s clothing designed by a Satanist. Facing a protest boycott, Target said the children’s clothing was not for children when it was, claimed that customers were attacking store staff when they weren’t, put the clothing in the back of the store where, strangely, it continued to be just as evil as it was in the front of the store and finally said they’d removed the clothing altogether, though who can say because they lie about everything and are evil. Target Spokesman Pansy Groomer — and again, don’t blame me. Target Spokesman Pansy Groomer released a statement to a 10-year-old boy in a men’s room in Disneyland, saying, “We at Target are deeply committed to pretending to give a rat’s ass about our customer’s values, while we continue to look for opportunities to undermine and destroy them.”
Reacting to the controversy, The Wall Street Journal ran yet another editorial calling for conservatives to end the culture war against American business in the same way Czechoslovakia ended World War II against Germany. The Journal editorial said, “It’s time to remember that the business of America is business. And the business of business is sexually corrupting children, and the business of sexually corrupted children is being butchered by mentally ill adults, and the business of mentally ill adults is working at Disneyland.”
Now to be fair, there are still those of us who would like to see Americans of all different kinds treat each other with tolerance and kindness while still respecting and elevating the traditional family values that honor creation and keep free countries free. And in the hopes of rediscovering that nation of greater generosity and moderation and common sense, we’re moving to Uganda.
Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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