Stacked: The zodiac signs as pancakes, as per an astrologist

This list is stacked.

Capricorn comedian Dave Attel, in true earth sign fashion mused, “I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes.”

8 days a week, Dave.

Apropos of this wanting, National Pancake Day, celebrated in 2023 on February 21, coincides with Mardi Gras. The hot griddled holiday is rooted in Shrove Tuesday celebrations, wherein the pious gather on the day before Lent to consider their wickedness, burn last year’s palm leaves and eat an ungodly amount of pancakes.

Pancakes have been consumed by humans since prehistoric times, with the archeological record suggesting our ancestors starting grinding fern flour and cooking it atop heated rocks, greased with animal fat, some 30,000 years ago.

One of the most famous dead men/mummies in history, Otzi the Iceman, is believed to have enjoyed a final meal of pancakes before perishing in the Alps. Rest in pancake peace sweet prince.

Pancakes got proper around the year 600 BCE when a Greek poet wrote a rhapsody about them, laying the batter for Leo Julia Childs who declared, “Drama is very important in life: You have to come on with a bang. You never want to go out with a whimper. Everything can have drama if it’s done right. Even a pancake.” In honor of bold b****es and the hot cakes they flip, we bring you a list of the zodiac signs as pancakes.

Protein pancakes

Aries is the first sign in the zodiac and as such has a lot of energy to expend, mistakes to make, bad jokes to utter, rage to burn and aggression to exorcise. Ruled by war lord, fist bump, jock planet Mars, these people are the zodiac equivalent of a protein pancake, built for speed and eating for fuel.

Banana pancakes

Taurus is the banana pancake of the zodiac based on the lyrics of one of their own, a certain Jack Johnson who essentially sings to the spirit of the bull in his 2005 bop “Banana Pancakes.” In no uncertain terms, our many tries to convince his lover to stay in bed with the phone off, have rainy day sex, eat carbohydrates and fake like its the weekend. A Taurus poem if ever there was one.

Cottage cheese pancakes

Initially off putting but delightfully unexpected, Gemini is the cottage cheese pancake of the zodiac stack. Easy to assemble with minimal ingredients, this hot cake hits the sweet spot for the terminally distracted Gemini who was born to spill the tea and chew the curd.

Lemon ricotta pancakes

In addition to being both bright and tart, Cancer rules the stomach and natives are prone to tummy upset and outright belly aching. For evidence, look no further than Cancer and avowed vegan Jaden Smith who waged Twitter war against the Four Seasons Hotel in Toronto for “spiking” his stack of lemon ricotta pancakes with cheese in an attack that left him surprised to be alive. Death before but not because of dairy, my dudes.

Strawberry pancakes

Ruled by the sun and represented by the kingly lion, Leo is the most regal sign in the zodiac. In kind, strawberries have long been considered a noble fruit, with one of the oldest varieties crowning itself La Princess Royale. Leos have a reputation for show boating and the strawberry is a bit of a glory hog, lasciviously red, warmed by the summer sun with its seeds on display for all the world to see.

Cinnamon roll pancakes

Virgos are big on presentation, preparation and perfection and are apt to full out spiral when their plans and plans are derailed. The is a modality made metaphorically manifest in the signature swirl/doom coil batter glyph of the cinnamon roll pancake.

Pumpkin pancakes

In the Northern Hemisphere, pumpkins are in their patch picking prime during Libra season. As pretty as they are popular, pumpkin pancakes, like the average Libra, pair well with vintage linens and getting black out drunk at brunch.

Potato pancakes

Scorpio folk tend to be more outwardly salty than sweet. Innately suspicious of others, it takes some time (IE emotional eons) before a scorpion is willing to share intimacies or to reveal the sugared center that lives in all of them. For this reason they are, upon first encounter, a bit of a potato pancake, rooted in ritual with sharply fried edges.

Chocolate chip pancakes

Nothing says let the good times roll or the laissez faire parenting reign quite like a stack of chocolate chip pancakes. As the resident dispenser of fun, philosophy and venereal diseases Sagittarius is the sign synonymous with relaxed restrictions, extra chips (poker and chocolate alike) and the natural devotee of dessert for breakfast.

Blueberry pancakes

Capricorn represents the archetype of the father figure and Cap daddy John Legend is full sea goat in his recipe for Sunday morning pater familias success. According to the man himself, these pancakes, “Are not fancy. What they are is perfect. Fluffy, sweet, comforting, and so simple to make…This recipe is what I make for our kids for our weekly tradition.” Rich in antioxidants and steeped in tradition? Designed to feed the legions simply and soulfully so they might go forth and prosper? Pure pour Capricorn.

Japanese pancake

By all accounts, Japanese pancakes taste like clouds, the natural habitat of Aquarians who prefer imaginary characters to real people and ideals to action. As a fixed air sign, it tracks that water bearers would identify with a pancake that relies on wind power and a healthy beating to achieve its famous fluff.

Existential buttermilk pancakes cooked on a wood stove

Pisces is the last sign in the zodiac, the final stop before embarking into death, dissolving and the great unknown. This vantage lends them the vibe of the existential escape artist, surmised in the following hot cake hot take by Pisces Jack Kerouac,

“The world you see is just a movie in your mind.
Rocks don’t see it.
Bless and sit down.
Forgive and forget.
…I will try to teach it but it will
be in vain, s’why I’ll
end up in a shack
praying and being
cool and singing
by my wood stove
making pancakes.”

Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars

Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.