MANHATTAN, NY — A resident of New York City’s financial district spoke to reporters this week to express his consternation about commuters neglecting the city’s premiere transportation infrastructure. Local reporters can be seen wincing in the footage, as the resident in question was an unhoused and unclothed person.
“Why would people drive alone and waste all that gas when they could get to where they need to go here on the subway?” said the naked man, Rob Schaeffer, to reporters while splayed out across several seats and administering a dose of heroin to himself. “Why would commuters persist in their excess pollution when they could be so much more efficient here on the subway?”
Schaeffer then began babbling in an indecipherable tongue punctuated by random screeches.
Additional vagrants in various states of undress investigated the interview as it was underway, commenting and ululating to Schaeffer and the journalists. All were in agreement that the subway was the superior way for New Yorkers to get around, chiming in while clipping their toenails, eating the toenail clippings, and stretching languidly on the seats and handrails.
At publishing time, President Biden had enacted four new executive orders funding investigation into the feasibility of making all cars either electric or illegal by 2030 and adding incentives to encourage commuters to take the more sensible route of using public transportation. The executive order has been hailed as a long-overdue move by Schaeffer.
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