NEW YORK, NY–After mistakenly thinking all football fans were torch-wielding Black Lives Matter looters, the NFL seems to be correcting course by having Tucker Carlson perform this year’s Super Bowl halftime show.
The decision was made after the NFL saw the NBA’s last marquee game lose in the ratings to Animal Planet’s House Cat vs. Laser Pointer.
“This is simple, Tucker gets huge ratings, and we have a Super Bowl that needs Tucker Carlson-type ratings,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said. “I hope he does the thing where he yells, ‘Russia!’ in that funny way. Oh man, that would bring the house down.”
Despite the commercials and fifty-foot billboards promoting The Tucker Carlson halftime show, the NFL actually forgot to formally ask the Fox News host to headline the event.
When finally asked, Carlson was intrigued at the opportunity to infuse the culture with conservative ideas, but the NFL people rejected his idea for a lecture format. Instead, the NFL is demanding Carlson prance around the stage in a scantily dressed outfit. (Something the NFL assumes football fans want.)
Update: Tucker has declined, and the NFL is now forced to hire Neil Young to perform.
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