GLENDALE, AZ — The Super Bowl referees held a brief meeting before the game began to go ahead and decide which team will take home the Lombardi trophy.
“Alright, let’s get this over with. Who are we going to take?” asked head referee Larry Masters. “You feeling the Eagles today, Bob?”
After a short back-and-forth, the referee crew settled on handing the game to Philadelphia. “Steve was pulling for the Chiefs, but no one cares what Steve thinks,” said back judge Bob Prince. “There’s a lot more excitement for us referees to neutralize a generational talent like Patrick Mahomes using only our whistles. It really crushes the spirit of every athlete. Plus, there’s the added bonus of torturing Cowboys fans with an Eagles win. It’s a no-brainer.”
According to sources, the tradition of the referees selecting the Super Bowl winner dates back over twenty years. “The first time choosing who will win the Super Bowl is always the sweetest,” said retired referee Ed Hochuli. “Watching a cornerback commit felonious assault on a wide receiver while keeping your flag safely tucked away – man, you just savor those moments. Almost makes me want to pick up my whistle again.”
At publishing time, the referees had reconsidered their choice after remembering that a Philadelphia victory would cause the city to burn. However, they stuck with their decision after realizing that Philly was going to burn no matter what.
This man is under arrest – for MANSPLAINING!
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