NEW YORK, NY — As part of a continued push to project a more inclusive, body-positive message, this year’s edition of the iconic Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue will feature a walrus wearing a bikini. Decision-makers at the publication are certain the public will love the choice.
“We’re really excited for our readers to see this one!” said editor Regina Borger. “We were trying to come up with a way to top our previous ‘body-positive’ efforts, and as we were looking through photos of heavier swimsuit models, it hit us — what if we really went all the way with this and put a bikini on an actual walrus? It doesn’t get any more inclusive than that!”
Though a number of plus-sized models were holding out hope to get the coveted cover spot, they were still thrilled a different obese mammal would be given the honor. “I was really hoping to have a shot at the cover,” said 500-pound model Peaches Abernathy, “but that walrus has got it goin’ on! She is proud of that body and she owns it! You slay, queen!”
Though not immediately available for comment, the walrus reportedly seemed indifferent to being chosen to grace the magazine cover and responded with a series of unappealing grunts. “This cover shoot was a joy to do,” said photographer Sergei Abramov. “We got so many alluring shots as the majestic creature waddled and flopped around on the beach! Truly a sight to behold! Diversity!”
At publishing time, the walrus’s upcoming appearance on The View to promote the swimsuit issue had been canceled after it was eaten by a Killer Whale.
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