WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Lord of Darkness dropped by Congress to offer testimony on behalf of his favorite app, TikTok.
“First off, it’s so good to be here with my people. You guys are the best,” said Satan, waving to his favorite reps. “Second, TikTok is my greatest invention since the smartphone. Do you have any idea how much time and effort TikTok has saved me? It’s incredible. If we can get a pre-teen a smartphone and TikTok, it’s pretty much game over for their souls. I’ve been on vacation for like, months now. Please don’t ruin this for me.”
According to the Father of Lies, TikTok has never handed over personal information to a Communist Party that keeps citizens in concentration camps and murders dissenters. “Whaaat? Share info with China? That’s crazy talk,” said Satan. “In fact, that sounds like some anti-Asian bias. Let’s get some of that racial anger in the mix, people!”
Lucifer went on to explain that TikTok is totally harmless and concerns about its mental health effects were absurd. “The real problem is there’s not enough people on TikTok,” explained Satan. “All that mass psychosis and suicide stuff you’re worried about could all be solved if more kids could escape their oppressive homes through the miracle of TikTok. We’re so close to utopia, guys.”
After finishing his testimony, Satan exchanged several high-fives and bro-hugs with Congress before he suddenly ran away shrieking upon spotting Justice Amy Coney Barrett.
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