SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Citizens braced themselves for yet another heavy crime surge this week after the city of San Francisco fined The Batman for putting a bright, obnoxious “Bat Signal” on the roof of a downtown building.
“We can’t have this sign of justice and virtue in our city,” said San Francisco Mayor London Breed. “Do you know how much electricity that light uses? This type of goody-goody grandstanding may work over on the East Cost in places like Gotham City, but we’re not in the business of shaming criminals here in our town. Who does this Batman think he is?”
“On top of all that, he didn’t even apply for a permit!”
Criminals throughout the Golden City are already ramping up their efforts now that they don’t have to worry about the Batman being alerted to their evil deeds. “Now we can finally do what we do in peace,” said local carjacker “Slippery” Pete McGann. “If I don’t have to look over my shoulder all night, I can steal a lot more cars. Thanks, Mayor Breed!”
The Batman released a brief statement on the fine through the Police Department. “I am now being fined for trying to help make this city safer,” the Caped Crusader said. “Maybe I’ll just leave town and let everyone wallow in its filth. At least I won’t have to worry about cleaning human poop off my boots at the end of the night anymore.”
At publishing time, supervillains from across the country were reportedly making their way to San Francisco in search of free housing, legal theft, and reparations.
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