SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Disgruntled robbers in the Bay Area began to consider the option of packing up shop and relocating to another city, citing the fact that everything in San Francisco has already been robbed.
“What are we supposed to do here?” asked renowned thief Scooter Lopez. “After we’ve already robbed every home, office, store, and restaurant in the city, what’s left? Are we supposed to start robbing the stuff we robbed from other robbers? Nah, I’m not down with that. We need to just pack up and move to a different city.”
After officials announced many crimes would no longer be prosecuted, the criminal population engaged in an ongoing festival of lawlessness, eventually leading to everything of value being completely cleaned out of every business and residence in town. “They took all the money,” said one longtime San Francisco resident. “They took all the TVs. They took all the jewelry, laptops, and SUVs! And now they’re all gone, as quick as a flash, and everyone here has lost all their cash!”
The robbers had resigned themselves to finding new frontiers to pillage and plunder. “We have to find new places to hit,” Lopez said. “But it’s got to be a city in a blue state. We can’t try this in a small town, or we’d be dead.”
At publishing time, Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi was petitioning for more federal money so the city could be restocked and she wouldn’t lose a large chunk of her voting base by having all the criminals leave town.
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