Washington, D.C. – Walking arm and arm, Kevin McCarthy and Chuck
Schumer approached the microphone to thoroughly reject the idea that a “uniparty”
exists in American politics.
believe us when we say there’s simply no such thing as a ‘uniparty,’” McCarthy
began. “Rest assured; both Republicans and Democrats will squash this
conspiracy theory. Even if we have to enlist the help of George Bush, the Obamas,
and Charles Schwab!”
“I totally agree with that, well said, Kev-o,” Schumer
McCarthy then shushed Chuck by putting his index finger over Schumer’s lips as Lloyd Christmas did to Mary in Dumb And Dumber.
“Shhhhhh. I’ll handle this, old friend,” Kevin whispered before continuing. “The idea that both Republicans and Democrats are only messaging different principles but, in the end, always agree to overspend and launder tax dollars is preposterous. It’s just a figment of someone’s imagination, like the narwhal. Something that sounds fascinating, but in reality, it’s pure fiction. I mean, a whale with a unicorn horn on its nose? Can you imagine?”
The two men threw their heads back and laughed uncontrollably
until it was Schumer’s turn.
“That was so beautiful, Kev. I think I speak for all
Democrats when I say we’re so grateful you were unanimously selected to be the speaker,”
he said, looking up at McCarthy. “But we disagree on a lot! For example, we
Democrats wanted to send six ka-schmillion dollars to Ukraine, and what did
these dastardly Republicans say? They said no! They made us pick a dollar
amount that existed.”
Update: The press conference was cut short due to the annual scrapbooking
event hosted by the deep state and Fox News.
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