WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg has proudly announced that the U.S. has managed to go a whole 24 hours without any trains flying off the tracks and exploding into balls of fire while spewing deadly chemicals into the air.
“This is a momentous achievement for our country,” said Buttigieg to a cheering crowd. “All the choo-choo-trains are still on the tracks! And it’s been a whole day! So many people worked hard to accomplish this goal and we were successful. This is definitely because I’m gay.”
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