ARLINGTON, VA — Following the embarrassing accounting blunder that resulted in an additional $6.2 billion being sent to Ukraine, Department of Defense officials announced another $40 billion had been discovered underneath some couch cushions at the Pentagon.
“We’re sorry to have to keep making these announcements,” said Pentagon Spokesman John Kirby. “We don’t even know how this money slipped between the couch cushions or who was responsible for it, but here it is. In accordance with U.S. policy, any money found goes directly to Ukraine.”
An investigation was launched to determine the origin of the $40 billion, though vast amounts of money being tossed around at the Pentagon are reportedly an everyday occurrence. “Yeah, it happens all the time around here,” Kirby said. “A few billion missing here and there. It’s not a big deal. It’s not even our money, right?”
Despite the uncertainty regarding where the money came from or how it ended up in an office couch, it had already been packaged up and sent off to Kyiv with a polite note for President Zelensky. “Every spare dime goes to Ukraine,” Kirby explained. “We’ve got a war to pay for and a government to fund…not the American government, obviously, but it’s still our responsibility.”
At publishing time, as Kirby was leading a group of reporters to the office to show them the couch where the money had been found, he accidentally tripped over a laundry basket full of approximately $17 billion.
Nothing weird, just a bunch of bros hanging out drinking Bud Light and talking about their feelings. Just chilling. Not gay.
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