HELENA, MT — Montana trans lawmaker Zooey Zephyr, formerly known as Zachary Raasch, feels strongly that he has nailed his audition as Bud Light’s next spokesperson after leading loud demonstrations in the Montana State Capitol last week.
“I will not leave this building until every tiny child has the right to take hormones and get body parts chopped off, reformed into shapes resembling other body parts, and then sewn back onto other areas of their bodies,” said Zephyr. “This is a fundamental human right, and anyone who disagrees wants to murder trans kids.”
Zephyr then turned to the camera and said, “Hey Bud Light! Call me!”
Media outlets across the nation reported on the lone hero’s noble crusade to sexualize, drug, and mutilate children, condemning mean, nasty Republicans for being such meanie-head jerks all the time. “Just look at this beautiful, stunning woman standing up for the rights of other beautiful, stunning women just like her!” said CNN’s Jake Tapper. “Wow–Republicans are so, so mean!”
Bud Light also released a statement, saying they were all out of the office and unable to talk right now.
At publishing time, Zephyr had yet to receive a call from Bud Light but had already secured contracts with Nike, General Mills, ExxonMobil, Berkshire Hathaway, and Balenciaga.
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