LANSING, MI — The Glorious American is deeply saddened to report that, for the eighth year in a row, Michael Moore has been hospitalized after forgetting to remove the candy wrappers before consumption.
“Every Easter, we have to pump his stomach,” said an exasperated surgeon. “At this hospital, he’s known as ‘the pelican’ because he’ll eat anything: Coke cans, Styrofoam, once we found an actual couch cushion in there.”
As the hospital bills and embarrassing press mount, many wonders if he’ll ever change his ways.
“The resale value of the Hershey Kisses aluminum wrapper alone is enough to cover his co-pay and deductible, so no, I assume we’ll be back here again next year.”
Update: After the doctors believed his stomach was sufficiently
empty, Michael Moore then belched out the entire Easter basket.
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