WASHINGTON, DC — In what’s being called a massive win for conservatism, Kevin McCarthy was able to pull off the rare feat that only the 452 previous Speakers managed to do. He raised that pesky debt ceiling.
“I believe our urban friends call it ‘raising the roof,’” McCarathy said to mostly Democrats cheering. “So, I think that line alone should win us 4% more of the black vote. But seriously, it takes a steady hand to navigate the roll-out of another blank check for Congress. I thank God I am the man who had the raw talent.”
Despite the celebration, not everyone was pleased with McCarthy’s deal.
“We got the deal, but without the $12.2 billion needed for raccoons struggling with their weight,” Hakeem Jeffries muttered.
“As important as it is to put food on the tables for American citizens, it’s equally important to remove some food from our nation’s raccoons,” Jeffries explained. “Republicans simply won’t address the dozens of raccoons who now struggle to fit through storm drains. They’re getting WAY TOO CHUBBY!” he said, pounding the podium.
Without hesitation, many in the media spent the day tearfully explaining how most healthcare providers will not provide elective liposuction surgery to raccoons or any other rodents for that matter.
Things in Washington seemed to escalate when Chuck Schumer yelled out a question on The Capitol steps that many are calling out of touch:
“Would Americans really rather have welfare programs, even if it meant having fat raccoons waddling all over the place?” he yelled to the crowd.
“YEAH, WE’D RATHER HAVE THE CASH!” they all yelled without hesitation.
Updates: After seeing debt ceiling details, Political analysts are calling McCarthy’s deal the worst backfire for the Republicans since the last time they did something.
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