WASHINGTON, D.C. — A little-known and devastatingly handsome Biden staffer has convinced the president to address psychotomimetic trichotillomania, a rare and psychotic desire to pull out one’s hair.
“Listen, Joe. A lotta people are saying you should be talking about psychotomimetic trichotillomania, ok? Frankly, if I’m honest, you’ve sorta choked with the whole economy, and everyone’s freaking out and pulling out their hair,” the staffer explained. “I even heard the squad wants you to talk about psychotomimetic trichotillomania. So you should talk about it on live TV—A LOT.“
When the first lady was consulted about sending her husband to do a live address on such a complicated mental illness, Jill simply placed her foot on the lower portion of Joe’s back and violently kicked him toward the microphone.
“My fellow barbarians,” Biden confidently began.
“I’m very aware each and
every American has psy… psycho.. taran, psycho tarantula mania. I had that twice
as a boy in Scranton. The ointment I needed wasn’t invented until thirty years later,
in 1805. No joke!”
The staffer, who insisted the president speak on this topic, was seen doubled-over, so moved by the words he was weeping so hard it looked like he was laughing.
Update: On Joe’s third attempt at saying ‘psychotomimetic
trichotillomania,’ the Easter Bunny was waved in to wrestle the president
to the ground.
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