LOS ANGELES, CA — The Los Angeles Dodgers, one of Major League Baseball’s most erotic franchises, is excited to announce their new “Tuck-Friendly” team uniforms.
In
the coming weeks, all Dodger players will need to dig deep into their souls and
choose their gender before suiting up for games.
“We
are a serious and professional franchise. So yes, we felt it necessary to give
our athletes the option to hide their horrible wieners,” said white
feminist PR executive Gloria Antiwang. “Soon, under my leadership, fans
who order a Dodger Dog will be given a taco instead. Because we actually listen
to what the public wants.”
Popular
LA sports fan and late-night host Jimmy Kimmel debuted the new baseball pants
on his show.
Arching his back with the camera zooming in on his crotch, Kimmel yelled, “Look! You can’t see ANYTHING. No bulge at all. Not even a hint of a penis. It looks like nothing’s there!”
Eventually,
a Dodger executive approached the host and whispered that what he was
displaying were regular baseball pants, and the tuck-friendly versions won’t be
available for a few weeks.
Despite
the Kimmel audience, WNBA fans, and Michelle Obama furiously pre-ordering the
pants, they are not a hit with everyone.
“I’ll tell you right
now. I won’t be tucking my [explicit] [explicit] away. I’m a man—not a San
Francisco Giant! And I’ll make no
apologies for that,” snapped shortstop Chris Taylor.
Update: Chris Taylor has been cut from the team, and over a
hundred FBI agents are now investigating him for hate crimes.
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