Is Impossible For You, Girl!’ Struggles At Box Office

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Paramount Pictures is
acknowledging their new, all-female remake of Mission: Impossible,
“Nothing: Is Impossible For You, Girl!” is facing unique and
difficult-to-predict challenges at the box office. 

Starring the loveably fit Amy Schumer,
Paramount had hopes of putting a new twist on the traditionally masculine
action franchise by remaking it into what moviegoers really wanted:  A herd of kick-ass, no-nonsense, boss bitches
telling men what to do while slow-motion-walking away from massive
explosions. 

“Yeah, I’ll say it. I’m angry. Furious, actually,” said Paramount’s chief DEI officer, Connie Ratchets. “We spent a whopping $368 million on production and marketing, and you wanna know how many tickets we’ve sold? Twenty-two. In a full month. Only twenty-two mother f***ing tickets. And don’t give me this girls-aren’t-traditionally-involved-in-huge-explosions bull s***. This was an all-female production, and we girls were involved in massive explosions driving to the studio almost daily!”   

“Our society continues to grapple
with deep-rooted misogyny and uninformed gender stereotypes,” a frustrated
Schumer said to herself after no one would interview her. “Men need to be
told how stupid and bigoted they are, and attending these movies for $17.50 is
a great way to hear us complain about these issues for 170 minutes.”

Update:  While the underperforming feminist film is a disappointment, Paramount Pictures is confident they will recoup all losses with their new remake: Fight Club starring Rosie O’Donnell and Hillary Clinton