WASHINGTON, D.C. — Millions of Americans are in fear this morning after U.S. President Joe Biden announced his reelection campaign with a terrifying threat to the nation, pledging he would “Finish the Job.”
“I’m running for re-election, not because we’ve done enough – but because we haven’t done enough!” President Biden’s social media team stitched together just over 1 minute and 37 seconds of coherent speech from a 45-minute presser that he gave in the Rose Garden announcing the campaign, which has been posted to the official White House Twitter account.
The speech snippet emphasized that citizens could only finish the job if they acted together, with the President acknowledging the many outstanding tasks. “We still need to vaccinate every American against novel diseases we invent, evacuate every U.S. embassy worldwide after international humiliations, enlist every able-bodied non-birther into get killed in Russia, reduce the dollar to nothing, sterilize and mutilate every last birther and non-birther in Generation Z, and spark a Civil War here in the states. We can’t do any of this alone, and we won’t stop ‘till it’s done, folks – not a joke!”
“Please no,” said one citizen who asked to remain anonymous. “Please don’t finish the job! Leave us alone! Have mercy! Pleeaaasssee!”
At publishing time, Americans were relieved when President Biden clarified that he had only been talking about his most recent bowel movement.
14-year-old Amy knows what she wants in life: a permanent neck tattoo.
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