WASHINGTON-DC — The FBI has announced the Biden laptop contains a little-known episode of Shark Tank, which features Hunter pitching his father’s influence.
In the footage, Hunter Biden approaches the sharks as the
dramatic music plays.
“Sharks, close your eyes and imagine this everyday scenario,” he instructed. “You’re on a seven-month, cocaine-fueled party yacht off the shores of Cambodia. You’ve lost all feeling in your face, the Eminem CDs are all worn out, and you’re pretty sure the captain’s dead. What do you do?”
“I would venture one’s options are truly limited in that situation,” Kevin O’Leary said, still shutting his eyes.
“Wrong!” Hunter yelled as he whipped away a white sheet, revealing a large portrait of then-Vice President Joe Biden.
“Introducing my dad!” Hunter yelled with excitement. “Whether it’s money to jump-start your party yacht, ransom to pay off the Russian mafia, or just some walking around Yen, my dad is for you! Invest in me, and ‘the big guy’ will have your back.”
“I like it. I really do,” Mark Cuban replied. “And I
absolutely love the passion. But you’re clearly describing an
international bribery scheme punishable by up to eighty years in
federal prison. And for that reason, I’m out.”
“Mark, you’re not accounting for the fact that we’re
Democrats—the law doesn’t apply to us,” Hunter pleaded.
But before Mark could reply, everyone could hear, “Psssss!
What’d they say? Remember, I get 50%!”
coming from behind a decorative bush.
“Shut up, Dad! I’m working here!” muttered Hunter.
Update: All the sharks passed, but the ABC network
executives overheard the offer and took the deal. As a bonus, Joe Biden
would receive all ABC’s debate questions in advance.
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