PAWTUCKET, RI– Hasbro has finally bowed to intense pressure from the Biden administration to enhance its beloved Mrs. Potato Head doll with a graphic little accessory.
“We don’t want to say what it is—but all the parents are going to love it,” CEO Brian Goldner said in a creepy press conference. “I’ll just say, we believe this new part is going to be a real wiener!”
The CEO then threw his
head back and laughed for over two minutes before reporters followed up.
“Well, you’re clearly adding a penis to the Mrs. Potato Head. Why are you doing this?” someone asked.
“We just felt it was terribly bigoted not to offer this flamboyant potato the option,” The CEO said, composing himself. “And what we found was there are still a few kids who out there who haven’t been totally re-educated on science. This nation was built on the idea that one’s genitalia can simply be added or removed on a whim. We believe a potato person should deliver that message to our youth. But Brian Seltzer didn’t respond to our request, so we did it with the toy.”
Update: Any child who does not choose to apply the new part onto their Mrs. Potato Head will be investigated by Biden’s DOJ.
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