God Confirms Orthodox Rapture Will Occur One Week After Regular Rapture

HEAVEN — Sources from the Almighty have confirmed that like everything else for the Orthodox, the rapture will also take place one week after the regular rapture.

“It’s only fair,” said the angel Gabriel. “Hoo-boy, you’re going to be nervous though! Did you get left behind, or are you on Orthodox time? Wait and see!”

After centuries of the Orthodox Church celebrating Christmas and Easter a week late, those inside Heaven said the rapture would be no exception. “You want to wait an extra week to celebrate Jesus’ birth and resurrection, knock yourself out,” said an anonymous Heavenly source. “When the rapture hits and planes start falling out of the sky, you’ll have to ask yourself: were the cheap Easter candies and Christmas trees worth it?”

At publishing time, the Orthodox Church had released a statement complaining that God had errantly scheduled the rapture a week too early.

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