WORLD — At what some are calling a modern-day ecumenical council, it was declared that man crushes on former Man of Steel actor Henry Cavill do not disqualify the soul from its heavenly reward and are decidedly “not gay.” The claim was reportedly made after hours of prayer and fasting in which church leaders across the globe attempted to discern the will of God.
“This is a matter that has been weighing on the hearts of Christians ever since 2013 when Henry Cavill first lit up the screen as the last son of Krypton,” said megachurch Pastor Steven Furtick. “We hope this brings solace to many, even those who are fans of mustached Cavill.”
“Not gay,” he repeated.
The bold claim has already sent ripples through the Christian community with Christian pastors and church authorities now boldly confessing their crushes on the actor.
“Man, that Henry, what an absolute bro,” said Pastor John MacArthur in a statement. “I bet we could be best friends. He’s so cool!”
Even members of the Jehovah’s Witness community have expressed joy in the announcement, believing they can now watch such box-office hits as Man of Steel or Mission: Impossible – Fallout. Theologians were quick to point out, however, that having a clear conscience in regards to Henry Cavill man crushes will not make up for other shortcomings in doctrine.
“Duuude, Cavill just freaking ROCKS,” said Catholic Bishop Robert Barron. “And it’s not gay to say that. It’s sound doctrine now!”
At publishing time, it was reportedly revealed via divine revelation that a man crush on Daniel Radcliffe is, however, “totally gay.”
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