Fresh Shipment Of Adderall To White House Suggests Biden Will Be President Another Week

WASHINGTON, DC — A massive delivery of Adderall to the White House has alerted the nation that Joe Biden will be President for at least another week.

Biden,
who pours the pills into a large popcorn bag and consumes them by the fistful,
was joyful shortly after ripping into the shipment.

“Good afternoon, friends
and lovers!” Joe said at 8:30 am to the press.

“My tummy is packed with… Uuuhhhh, I’ve been instructed not to say. But much like our great economy, my brain should be propped up and artificially afloat for at least the next thirty minutes. So go ahead and ask me nothing at all,” he said before galloping away in slow motion.

It was a good day for the President’s Adderall delivery because TNT aired Planet of The Apes around noon, and Biden became adamant that his most crucial hour of leadership had arrived.

“My fellow Argentinians,” he began his address. “It is my decision that we immediately give the monkeys what they want. The planet. I’ve got a sneaky suspicion we can trust them. Plus, I can uniquely beg for our collective mercy because my legs are hairy, and so are theirs. If our surrender is successful, it will be my finest hour. If we fail–hey, give me a break, Jack. The previous administration gave me no good options.”