WASHINGTON, D.C. — Morale at the FBI has reportedly never been higher because agents no longer have to travel abroad to turn countries into banana republics.
FBI Director Christopher Wray restructured the bureau to fit a new objective that allows employees to spend more time at home with their families. “In the bureau, we always say family is first, but we haven’t really been living that ideal,” Wray said in a statement. “We have been working closely with the CIA to topple regimes and cripple economies, but we lost sight of what this is really all about — toppling regimes and crippling economies right here on our own soil!”
“How did we miss this for so long?”
Agents are grateful for the extra time they get to spend with their families while focusing the bureau’s energy on important matters like prosecuting traditional extremist Catholics and former presidents with the last name of “Trump.”
“I’ll miss the frequent flier miles. It was a great job perk,” admitted Special Agent Dana Barr, “but I’m excited to hunt down parents who attend school board meetings and totally demolish their life savings. And to get Trump. That’s why I got into this line of work!”
One agent, who only spoke with us from the shadows while cigarette smoke swirled around him ominously said, “Really, we have a lot to do here. We’ve been so worried about other countries that we forgot about destroying our own. America first!”
“Between burning up food processing plants, derailing trains, and sabotaging the banking world — we’re swamped!” he added. “And we still have to get that next Trump rally.”
The agencies reported they are closing in on former President Trump and will be perp-walking him for the cameras any day now.
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