WASHINGTON, D.C. — On Sunday, House Democrats stealthy added the following edit
to one of Donald Trump’s articles of impeachment:
“Failure to make our daddies love us.”
When members of the media noticed this surprising addition, Pelosi
“Well, it’s a completely undisputed fact,” the Speaker began. “When I was
sitting across from the 45th President in the Oval Office, he said something
like, ‘can it, Nancy—stop being such a doofus!’ I had an unmistakably familiar
feeling. Trump and my father have clearly been colluding. How else can it be
While Pelosi was her usual steely self, Jerry Nadler, already openly
weeping, was far less composed.
“YEAH!” he yelled, grabbing the microphone from Nancy. “Why don’t you just
LEAVE ME ALONE! I told you I DON’T LIKE FOOTBALL, DAD—I mean TRUMP!!” he
hollered to a mostly bewildered press.
Nadler waddled to the closest exit, screamed, “I DON’T WANT YOUR LIFE!” and
slammed the door.
It was then left to Adam Schiff to clean up what was left of the press
“I, too, share Nadler’s blubbering concerns,” Schiff explained. “This
President somehow, to throw Democrats off our game, worked with all our fathers
years ago and instructed them to mock us and tell us to get haircuts.”
“WHAT’S THE MATTER, YOU LITTLE PANSY?’ Trump probably made my father scream
at me,” yelled Schiff, clearly beginning to improvise. “WHAT? YOU GONNA CRY?!’ my
dad taunted while smacking the back of my head. It’s sad to learn that he was
being coerced to do this by Donald Trump that whole time!”
UPDATE: The Democrats have also added: “Not being a snappy dresser” to the articles of impeachment against the 45th President.
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