ISABEL, IL –As everyone knows, if you’re a democrat pondering to run against a Republican—in particular, Donald Trump, you have immunity from all crimes and even the investigation of any criminal acts. Because of this, all of the nation’s criminals are now quickly registering as Democratic presidential candidates before any investigation can begin.
Since this is somehow a surprise to many Americans, some citizens are mistakenly calling the authorities only to be informed of the aforementioned rule. Take, for instance, the exchange Kathy Wynn of Isabel, Illinois, had with a 911 operator:
Kathy: “Oh my word; there’s someone in our house!”
911: “I understand. Please stay on the line and try to remain calm.”
Kathy: “Ok. Please hurry!”
911: “Ma’am, can you please confirm the perpetrator is not a Democrat running for president or may one day decide to run for president?”
Kathy: What? What does that matter?! Please send the police NOW!”
911: “Ma’am, please determine if this person is a Democrat running for president.”
Kathy: “What on earth are you talking about?! Oh, whatever, I’ll ask him. Hold on. [unintelligible] HEY, YOU DOWN THERE! Hey, are you running for president as a democrat?”
Perpetrator: “YEAH! I’m juuuuuuuust about done filling out the paperwork on your—actually, it’s mine now, on my laptop.”
Kathy: “WHAT?!
911: [loud gasp] “Ma’am—I heard him. You monster! You’re asking me to launch an investigation against Donald Trump’s political opponent?! How dare you?!”
Kathy: “What? What’s the matter with you?!”
Brave Hero Downstairs: “Ok. I’m leaving! Can I count on your vote on election day?”
Kathy: “NO! NOW GET OUTTA HERE!”
911: “Ma’am, the police are on the way. The brave hero downstairs is choosing to press charges against you for attempting to dig up dirt against Donald Trump’s political opponents.
Kathy: [sigh] I understand.
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