ATLANTA, GA — Announced via billboard in front of Don Lemon’s Atlanta condo, CNN revealed Don Lemon Tonight had been canceled. Naturally, Jordan Peterson will be taking his place.
Lemon was shocked and demanded answers. “I host the worst-rated show for over a decade, and just because I’m black, I get canceled?” he tweeted. “CNN will be hearing from my lawyers, Michael Cohen and Michael Avenatti!”
Already the swap is being called the greatest rating whiplash in television history.
“We called Lemon’s show ‘break time,’” said a CNN executive. “An hour for cameramen and producers to just relax. Grab a power nap. Half the time, we didn’t even turn on Don’s microphone. No one noticed. But now, we’ll have millions watching. We’re not prepared for this.”
Oddly, Peterson was totally unaware of CNN’s move to hire him.
“I feel like a damn lobster–yanked from the ocean floor. And then cruelly plopped into a boiling pot of water. Except, instead of hot water, it’s a lifeless studio of lies!” A furious Peterson yelled while shaking his fist in the air.
A reluctant Peterson
finally accepted CNN’s deal and issued the following statement:
“I agree that agreeableness is agreeable, but I never agreed to this. Nevertheless, I shall enter this sheer hell with my head held high. In life, sometimes a multinational news corporation will make you host a primetime weekday show without your knowledge or consent. Life is very often cruel in that way.”
Update: The soul-sucking nature of being a CNN employee has caused Peterson to stop making his bed. “What’s the bloody point!” he now yells each morning.
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