CLEVELAND, OH — The NFL’s Cleveland Browns are reportedly breathing a collective sigh of relief now the devastating derailment and subsequent toxic chemical release in East Palestine means that their franchise is no longer considered the largest train wreck in Ohio.
“For decades, we’ve been considered the biggest, most horrific disaster in the state,” said Browns General Manager Andrew Berry. “Even though we feel absolutely awful about what’s happening in East Palestine, we’d be lying if we weren’t at least a little bit grateful to now be considered the second-largest catastrophe in the state.”
Predicted to be a serious contender by many fans and media experts, the Browns stuck to their tradition of disappointment by finishing with a 7-10 record. “Our fans have come to expect certain things,” said Cleveland Head Coach Kevin Stefanski. “We’ve veered a little too close to being successful the last few years, so we needed to get back to the basics of finishing last in the division. This new situation in East Palestine, though…that’s really put our team’s toxic dumpster fire in the back seat.”
The train derailment in East Palestine resulted in the release and controlled burn of heavily dangerous chemicals, posing a great threat to the health and well-being of humans and wildlife in the surrounding area. Doctors from the Cleveland Clinic have warned that exposure to the toxins may be even more dangerous than watching a Browns game.
At publishing time, experts were already weighing in on next season, saying it will take far more than trading for a quarterback being sued for sexual assault if they want to reclaim the top spot in the list of terrible Ohio catastrophes.
This man is under arrest – for MANSPLAINING!
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