RIFLE, CO — In an attempt to appease evangelical voters who were disgusted by her display of promiscuity at Buell Theater in downtown Denver, U.S. Congresswoman Lauren Boebert has announced a brand new line of purity rings.
“Celibacy is near and dear to my heart,” said Boebert. “I just want to inspire a new generation of American youth to celebrate celibacy in style — and vote Republican while they’re at it.”
Voters in Colorado’s third district, which Boebert serves as representative, remain divided on whether they’re more upset by the highly publicized behavior that got their congressional representative thrown out of Beetlejuice: The Musical or the fact that Beetlejuice: The Musical exists.
“And it’s popular?” asked local voter Edward Spiers. “Who’s watching this thing?”
At a public town hall, Boebert once again apologized to her constituents for her behavior before pivoting to selling her new rings. “And I’m not only the designer, I’m also a proud customer!” Boebert told voters as she slipped the stylish ring on. “I hereby pledge to save myself for true love and marriage.”
According to sources, Boebert then leaned over to an aide and whispered, “Is that what I was supposed to say?”
The purity ring collection, called Purity by Lauren, comes in 14k gold and is a Hobby Lobby exclusive.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!
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