SACRAMENTO, CA — In what officials have hailed as a historic first, California has become the first state to achieve a crime rate of zero after passing legislation to make all crimes completely legal.
“This is a great moment for our state,” Governor Gavin Newsom said. “No other state in the nation’s history has successfully brought the crime rate down to nothing. California is once again leading the way! Now, please, for the safety of your loved ones, don’t venture out of your homes at night. Or at least carry an air horn. Whatever. I don’t care.”
Analysts point to the state’s legalization of all criminal acts as the catalyst for reaching a zero crime rate. “It was a bold but revolutionary move,” said Professor Kyle Ray of the California Crime Institute. “California has effectively eliminated all crime from existence simply by making every unlawful or despicable act completely acceptable. Murder, assault, robbery — these are yesterday’s terms. Californians are now truly free to express themselves however they choose. Zero crime!”
Some have criticized the move, saying it might lead them to be robbed and beaten to death by mobs of youths. “Yeah, but that’s not a crime anymore! You’re welcome!” said Newsom in response.
At publishing time, terrified residents of the state were preparing a mass exodus to Florida for their own safety but changed their minds when they heard DeSantis ate pudding with his fingers once.
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