ST. LOUIS, MO—Earlier this
year, Bud Light famously made the brilliant business decision to cease all
sales from beer drinkers and instead focus on the fabulous new demo of
show-tune-singing transvestites. A segment that makes up 00.002% of
alcohol-aged Americans but oddly 71% of Junior Highers.
Shockingly, this marketing
“Our sales went down
faster than Joe Biden on a flight of stairs,” CEO Michel Doukeris said.
“So we’re kicking off a fresh new slogan that’s sure to include not just
the left—but even the far, radical left.”
The new slogan, “WE ARE
GENDER FLUID,” has already hit billboards throughout America.
“Now we just sit back
and wait for the cash to start pouring back in,” Doukeris said with a
twinkle in his eye. “What can I say—I know how to market to average
When the new catchphrase was
shown to focus groups, it prompted a unique response.
throwing up,” a marketing executive said. “You want a campaign to
have a strong response, but not a projectile one. I had to change my clothes
multiple times. I think this means it’s going to be a hit.”
In less than a day, all
billboards were burned to the ground, and sales worsened.
To stop further bleeding,
Bud Light was forced to hire Kamala Harris as a spokesperson. In the Harris ad,
she gives a twelve-minute speech on the back of a Clydesdale.
Update: During the shoot, the large horse kept
kicking Harris, and once the outtake footage of the incident leaked online, it
quickly became known as the greatest beer commercial ever made.
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