WASHINGTON, DC — The turkey pardon tradition quickly turned into another partisan scene when Joe Biden angrily told the bird, “If you didn’t vote for me—then you ain’t dark meat.”
Moments before the turkey was brought out, Biden angrily asked his staff if this particular bird was ‘Ultra MAGA.’ The fictional president then explained how he knew the Easter Bunny voted for Trump, and he refused to repeat that fiasco again.
“I ran for president to unify the soul of this nation,” He
eventually said into the microphone. “But
for anyone who didn’t support me, they can burn in hell. And that includes turkeys!”
Staffers then approached Biden and began whispering what
looked like a negotiation in his ear.
“Ok, folks, slight change of plans,” Karine Jean-Pierre eventually told the small crowd. “President Biden will now only be pardoning the portions of the turkey with dark meat.”
A still irritated Biden then knelt down to the turkey’s eye level.
“Just be grateful Corn Pop isn’t here, Jack. He’d know how to handle those giblets.”
The turkey, clearly rattled by the old man invading his space,
let out a loud and unsettling gobble.
“Wow. That was well said.
I never thought of it that way,” Biden
said, impressed with what he heard. “Have
you written speeches on a professional level before?”
Update: When Biden learned these birds were famous for “juicy breasts,” he signed an executive order demanding all turkeys be sent to the Oval Office.
[@DistefaD contributed to this article]
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