WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a last-minute address to a concerned nation, Biden assured the American public that he will confront the current alien invasion once he has successfully defeated hotel junk fees.
“Listen, folks, I know our air force is busy shooting down flying saucers and whatnot, but these junk fees have gotta go. Not a joke!” said Biden to the White House press corps. “It’s getting to the point where you can’t even let your grown son snort crack off the back of a Russian hooker at Best Western without getting nickel and dimed to death! How can I afford that?”
Sources confirmed the military is still shooting down random objects in the sky, with no word on whether they are aliens, Chinese spy balloons, or helium balloons from Party City. The Secretary of Defense has ordered all branches to continue knocking objects out of the sky indiscriminately until they are given word otherwise from the Commander in Chief.
“Our nation is facing many challenges right now, and you can always count on my administration to prioritize them appropriately,” continued Biden. “And while we’re at it, can we talk about how guacamole costs extra at Chipotle? How could we let that happen in America?”
At publishing time, Biden said once junk fees are taken care of he will turn his attention toward defeating Airbnb owners who make you do the laundry before checking out.
This man is under arrest – for MANSPLAINING!
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