SANTA CLARA, CA — Executives at Silicon Valley Bank are reeling after learning one of the most brutal lessons in banking: if you invest your money irresponsibly, the government will just bail you out.
“This is a tough lesson to learn — the school of hard knocks,” said SVB CEO Greg Becker. “After years of investing in woke tech startups that had terrible products, bloated staff, and no conceivable value whatsoever, it’s time to pay the piper by experiencing no consequences or accountability whatsoever. Thanks, Biden!”
SVB joins other reputable financial establishments such as Goldman Sachs, Bank of America, and Crazy Al’s Payday Loans on the corner of 5th and Main in learning a tough lesson they will not learn from in any way, shape, or form.
“SVB performs an indispensable function in society,” Becker continued. “Without us, how would we fund wonderful start-ups pioneering Chinese facial recognition software, or dating apps for queer Communist paraplegics of color? We’re grateful for this difficult lesson we’ve learned and look forward to learning it again in a few years.”
At publishing time, sources confirmed the recently bailed-out SVB had collapsed once again.
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