9 Things More Trustworthy Than A Bank

Brought to you by Birch Gold:

Oh no! Silicon Valley Bank imploded on itself, dealing a significant blow to our economy! If only those dumb rich people were smart enough to stop putting their money in a bank.

Here are some things far more trustworthy than banks these days:

1. The United States Congress: Great for insider trading tips.
2. Hunter Biden with an electronic device: So responsible.
3. Whoopi Goldberg watching your hamburger for you while you go to the restroom: You should have known better.
4. George Santos’s resumé: No, he’s not really a world-famous cave diver.
5. Amazon’s handling of Lord of the Rings properties: $1 billion down the drain.
6. Din Djarin’s adherence to the way of the Mandalore: Stop taking off your helmet, man!
7. A Babylon Bee writer trying his best not to write another pronoun joke: Or her. Or they. Wait…
8. The railway system in East Palestine: Also, don’t drink the water.
9. A toddler with chocolate on his face who “did not” eat the cookie: Wait, that’s no toddler, that’s Biden!

Then again, there’s always gold. Just ask every pirate who has ever buried hidden treasure. They are the real sages of our time.

NOT SATIRE: Big banks and the IRS want you to think, the only way to secure your savings and retirement is to keep your cash in an FDIC-insured account or load up on stocks.

The recent string of bank failures has millions of Americans second-guessing this approach, especially for their hard-earned nest egg in an IRA or 401(k).

But, you have options. Did you know that you can move your retirement savings out of cash or stocks, and KEEP your tax-advantaged status?

Have you heard about Section 408(m)(3)? It’s a little-known cousin of Section 401(k) of IRS code. I like to call it the “cheat code” that unlocks investments you simply can’t find on Wall Street.

Here’s the IRS “cheat code” to protect your savings from the banks

Sick of the woke Oscars? Why not watch the first annual Babylon Bee Awards Show:

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