10 Safer Places For Your Money Than Banks

Brought to you by: Bitcoin Conference 2023

These days, it seems you aren’t able to swing a dead cat without hitting a failing bank. We’ll ignore the concerns raised by the fact that you’re swinging a dead cat in the first place and instead focus on safer places to put your money. Economic uncertainty, combined with the instability of financial institutions, makes it a necessity to have options.

Don’t worry, The Babylon Bee has your back! To give you peace of mind and help you protect your money, we’ve compiled this helpful list of places to keep your money that are far safer and more secure than a bank.

1. Buying stock in Blockbuster Video: Trust us, leaving your house to rent a movie for a few days is the wave of the future!
2. Giving it to your wife when she’s on her way to Target: We’re sure she’ll be able to abstain from spending any of it.
3. Adding it to that large mountain of cash the Joker is pouring gasoline on: He may be a psychopath, but it’s not like he’d burn it all or anything!
4. Hunter Biden’s pocket: The President says Hunter is the smartest guy he knows! If he wasn’t trustworthy, the media would’ve told us! C’mon, man!
5. Investing it with that guy who told you about the benefits of owning a timeshare: He probably has only your best interests in mind.
6. Betting it on the Baltimore Orioles to with the World Series: Those birds are ready to win it all, right?
7. Sending it to Ukraine: It must be a wise investment — that’s where all of the Washington, D.C. elites are sending the country’s money!
8. Wiring it to that Nigerian prince who emailed you: He’s going to reclaim his throne and reimburse you — plus a reward!
9. Loaning it to your degenerate gambler uncle: Uncle Gary is totally good for it! It’s a lock!
10. Stuffing it under your mattress: Classic banking, the way it was done in the good ol’ days!

There you have it! Keep your money out of unstable, failing banks and put it in one of the places above. And don’t worry, the government will be there to support you if you lose everything!

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