As voting for Presiding Officer over the House Of Representatives stretches into a 14th ballot, some analysts have begun calling for an outsider to energize the stalled process, rather than continuing with negotiations centered around Kevin McCarthy. There must be some qualified being other than the California Republican at the center of the gridlock – to that end, here are 10 candidates we believe could discharge the duties of Speaker of the House:
- Lukewarm bowl of Cream of Wheat: The charisma of McCarthy combined with the strength of Boehner. A perfect candidate!
- Jellyfish: It’s less squishy and has more of a backbone than most Republicans.
- Bose Smart Soundbar 700 – With Bluetooth®: One of the best speakers on the market, according to Amazon reviews.
- Pete Davidson: He can apparently talk anyone into doing anything.
- Nancy Pelosi again: We need her close to the action–we’ve got our entire retirement fund banked on following her stock trades.
- Giant inflatable bald eagle that was sitting on top of the fireworks stand off I-90: The only candidate patriotic enough for Lauren Boebert.
- Alex Jones wearing the armor from the DOOM franchise: So he can rip and tear through the swamp!
- Volodymyr Zelensky: As long as he agrees to wear a suit this time.
- Volodymyr Zelensky’s hand with a mouth and google eyes drawn on it: Next best thing.
- Corn Pop: He’ll fit right in with the rest of Congress because he’s a very bad dude.
And there you have it – 10 candidates we believe could serve as Speaker of the House of Representatives. Let us know your pick, and let’s hope this gets settled soon so Congress can get back to its important work of spending all our money!
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job:
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